It had finally arrived - the day that we were going to be playing posh golf. Unfortunately, Hawkeye couldn’t join us but in his place played Jonny Boy, a police sargeant.

We pulled up at the gates to be met by a green jacketed chap whose sole job was to say hello and then radio to the clubhouse to ensure someone was there to meet us and take our clubs. I wonder if he also works as a ‘meeter and greeter’ in Asda’s?

Sure enough when we pulled up there were two younger chaps waiting to take our clubs and trolleys from the car and have them waiting for us once we’d got changed. We strolled into the changing rooms – oak panelled lockers with towels inside. Some of them were even embossed in gold with members’ names – Sean Connery and Jack Nicklaus among them. We even had use of the steam bath and the plunge pool if we wanted. I kid you not.

This week we took breakfast first – a much more civilised affair with waitress service. For the first time in my life I saw Dave eat wholemeal toast – he must be on a health kick. Tee off wasn’t until 9-50 so we thought we’d loosen up with some shots on the driving range and the pitch and putt area.

I thought I’d try out my driver which usually results in more slices than in an Italian delicatessen. And things hadn’t changed – first shot was a sever slice to the right (I’m told the gash to the bloke’s forehead was only superficial). It was Jon, however, who’d noticed something wrong with my stance – this is the same Jon who had earlier told us he hadn’t played for a year and wasn’t very good by the way – so I altered it has he suggested as hit seven straight woods!

We went to the expense of hiring buggies but were told to stick to the path – I took this literally on most holes as my shots were nearer the path than the fairway. Jon said he wanted to put a blue siren on his to make him feel at home. He did the ‘nee-nas nee-nas’ for himself.

We all got off to a fairly average start but it some became clear after 4 or 5 holes that Dave was going to put in a good score. He actually parred the 5th and 6th in succession.

Just after the 4th hole we noticed the buggy with the stripy canvas roof. We knew it was laden with goodies to eat and drink so we stopped it and sat around drinking cups of mushroom soup!

After the front nine Dave was in the lead (47), me second (54) and Jon next (59). We stopped for lunch (home made burgers and chips all round) and watched a bit of the Chelsea v West Ham game. In the 30 minutes we were state there we saw three goals and a sending off. Things change quickly in football just like they do in golf.

Re-charged, we set off for the back 9. I got off to a disastrous start and soon Dave had pulled away to be leading by 15 shots! And Jon was only one shot behind me! But then Dave seemed to be losing it – at the 7th his tee shot went at least 200 feet high into the air and landed only 20 yards away in the rough. A chink in his armour?

No. The next shot was unbelievable – a 6 iron from the rough onto the green landing 3 yards away from the hole. Good work fella! There would be no catching him. My main worry now was being caught by ‘novice’ Jon. I’ve never been caught by the police before so I guess there’s a first time for everything. At the 17th, Jon hit a great shot over the water to just off the green and putted in for a par 3 which meant that going into the last hole he was just one behind. Meanwhile we had worked out that Dave was on for a sub-100. He was on 92 coming up to the final tee.

He shot a 5 and the rest is history. Jon stumbled and shot a 10 and I managed to match Dave’s 5.

So well done to The Chipster who shot an unbelievable 97. I was happy with 108 and Jon shot a respectable 116.

Returning to the locker room, we realised that Dave had chosen locker number 96, I was 98 and Jon was 99. For some reason 97 was ignored. Someone somewhere knows something.

Song of the day – Love plus one by Haircut 100. Despite going off to the right and wondering ‘Is it down to the lake I fear?’, Dave’s sub-100 deserves recognition.

Back to Cray valley again today, but one of the usual crowd was missing… Owing to family birthday commitments Mark wasn’t with us today, just Russ and myself, but what an event he missed !!

Off to a good start as I was on time today !!

It all started when we arrived at 8:00am, we were greeted by a bloke in the pro shop who had obviously got out of the bed the wrong side this morning as there was no smiles just a grunt of acknowledgement when we paid our green fees. I made a remark to Russ that he was a right grumpy sod, but Russ (being the diplomat he is) commented that he had probably been up since 5am !!

We made the short walk to the first tee expecting to see an army of amateurs waiting to tee off, but when we arrived at the tee it was like a ghost town…Not another golfer in sight anywhere on the 1st hole !.

We teed off and I did a massive drive about 180yds down the middle of the fairway, Russ teed off and went straight into the rough on the left bank.. We walked down and spent a few minutes trying to find Russ’s ball but to no avail, Russ dropped a ball and I thought I was in luck today and might win a round (oh was I wrong). Russ’s second shot was now his third due to the lost ball. He was next to the bank about 170yds away from the green and the flag was not visible, he let rip with a great iron shot which seemed to be in the air for ages. I saw it bounce on the green and congratulated him on a great recovery shot. I took my next 2 shots to hit the green then we both walked up to find our balls.

I was on the green by it looked like Russ had gone off the back, I left my clubs and started to help Russ look for his ball, and thought I would just take a glimpse into the hole when I was stunned to find Russ’s Nike ball looking back at me !! – Can you believe it, a dropped shot and he still Birdie’s the hole… Can this guy do no wrong ???

Onto the second hole, both got a 5, which was about average.. The third hole was appalling, the grass throughout the course had been freshly mown on the fairways and the cuttings left so the wheels on my trolley had been amassing the cuttings, the wheels were starting to resemble Monster Truck wheels, at this rate by the time I reach the 9th I will need a step ladder to get to my clubs !

The rough was in a bad condition also, not only was it long but wet which made things difficult for us both, at the 3rd we both went off to the right in the rough and took 4 shots each to get over the trough in front of the green.. the usual 3 putts each meant we got a 7. Russ had already opened a 2 shot lead on me.

The short par 3 4th hole meant that Hawkeye took another damn Par. I could only manage a hefty 5, which now made me 4 behind with 5 to play.

As Russ had not been on good form in respect of his tee shots I thought I might be able to make up a few shots on the 5th hole, Russ teed off and fluffed it only about 50yds in front of the tee. I stepped up with Bertha and rattled off a drive, which went just to the left of the green about 30yds from the pin. Russ’s second shot dropped him straight into the bunker, which left me with a good chance to catch him up again. It took Russ a further 5 shots to sink his ball into the hole, but as he was putting on the green I was amassing a total of 8 extra shots to get my ball out of the wet long rough and cover the 30yds I was away from the Hole, what an absolute shocker !.

By this point at the 6th tee, I was now 6 shots behind Russ, yet again this was going to prove to be his day and not mine. Russ teed off and went just short of the green to the right, I stepped up with my 4 iron and let rip… There was a mighty twang and the head of my 4 iron went off into the distance. The head of my club actually went further than my ball. This was clearly a bad day for me..

After I had managed to control Russ’s laughing I took my second shot and put the ball just the other side of the green. We both managed a 5 on a par 3, but to fair with the way I was playing I’ll settle for that !!.

The 7th hole was a bit of a bore, we both did alright for a change, but Russ still managed to nick another shot on me on the hole. I was now 7 shots behind Hawkeye.

Here we were…. The Rupert Hole !, not a favourite of any of ours, but we still have to tackle it.. Russ teed of and went just past the 150yd marker to the right of the fairway, I knew I had to pull a stroke of genius out of the bag in order not to make myself look a lost cause

I unleashed hell with a drive that came to rest just before the tree to the right of the green, we reckon the drive must have been at least 230yds. Obviously with the way we had been playing It took me a further 5 shots to put my ball down, Russ actually dropped a shot and I had managed to win my first hole with one to play… Now only 6 shots behind Russ.

We had finally reached the 9th and final hole.. It was only 9:30am ?, was we both that hungry that we had rushed our way round ?? …. We both got on the green in one and Russ 3 putted, I was on for a par but the Ball just stopped on the lip of the hole and I had to settle for a 4. This was just about my luck today.

Russ ended up beating me by a whopping 6 shots and scored a respectable 45 (13 over) with me on 51. Maybe at some point I’ll beat him eh ?

We had played 9 holes, eaten our breakfast and arrived back home before 10:30am which must have earned us both some extra Brownie points with the other halves. Tee hee…

Shot of the Day – Russ’s 3rd shot (should have been second) on the 1st hole from 170yds away straight into the hole for a birdie

Song of the Day – The Birdie Song by the tweets to celebrate Russ’s amazing birdie on the 1st hole.